Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
