good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
if only i could text you this smell
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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