My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
