maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
