Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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