Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
