Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize