He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think my moral compass just broke
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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