I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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