she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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