textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
