I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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