I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize