He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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