there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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