Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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