Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
