just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
