Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
