worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
