this beer tastes like vomit already
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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