She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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