You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
