The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
