Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
