There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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