Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you win again, gameday.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
