I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
