I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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