in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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