3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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