I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
