I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
