My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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