Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
