thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
