Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
