great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
