i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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