Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
