You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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