I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
