If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
