based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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