Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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