A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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