Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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