My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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