I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize