Don't you send me to vm
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i will never coherently bang her
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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