I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
