Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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