i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
