Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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