Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
