If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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