if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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