Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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