dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
