he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
