Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
ugly people sure do ruin things
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
