I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
