i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
