Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
