I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
