update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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