I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
